The II was for a reason, so don’t assume a typo. It’s an epiphany within an “aha” moment and therefore TWO I’s were necessary or at least I felt so. I have come to see someone for who they have become, as well as have come to realiz. of who I have always been. EPIPHANY. I do not want to spend my life longing and waiting…I’m just going to find the love within myself. AHA.
So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…mainly about one thing - but one thing that has contributed to my entire life for quite sometime. I have been going through obstacles left and right in my life as of recently - everything being thrown at me at once. Nothing I can’t take - right?
The thing is, I had never had to take it all on alone - which brings me to this post. I took someone I love very much and drove them away by putting all of my emotions, hardships and then some on the table and took out my most ugliest side onto them. Unknowingly. Or somehow subconsciously, because I knew, they - out of everyone else - knew the real me would NEVER act this way - never hurt them, never EVER do so unless there was an underlying pain…hurt or obstacle causing it.
Trust me, this is not who I am nor who I long to be nor who I shall remain. I see now my faults, the anger, the sadness - the insecurities - the despair - everything I did, how I acted, what I said all led to this.
I am on the verge of finding myself - and sorry that finding myself led to losing them, if even only temporary - they were my best friend, someone I could always count on - until counting on them was all I did. I don’t blame myself entirely, everything has two sides, everything works BOTH ways - but I know that, and because of that I will take full responsibility for MY part, my HALF of the issue. It’s that time in my life where I just need to know who I am, what I need to do and who I wish to have by my side for the rest of it.
Slowly finding a way to change, to reverse all I have done and hope that one day everything will be okay. For better…or for worse - I never really got that…till now.
Sometimes, good people do bad things. I had never seen it as so, but it’s clear to me now that when blaming the world you are probably the one at fault. Right? So with that said, I have been reading up on a few things, broadening my horizons, trying to keep myself busy at all times, being playful and not being reachable 24/7 - etc. I’ve learned to say no. I have learned what not everyone realizes - a YES GIRL is fun…but not for long, the Drama Queen, the Insecure Girl, the Desperate Girl… all fall under the same category - and that’s: NOT what someone is after.
Reading a novel a day for the next week - already on day two…book 2 as well, and will continue to do so with all the self-help books I may need. Life is rough, even more so when you’re doing it alone - but I’ve come to realize that sometimes you just need some time away - time to clear your mind, think about what’s happening and review it from a different perspective.
Last night I learned a few things that have really helped blow away the fog that had been disabling my vision. A few things that I will put into use, from here on out - and hopefully help me become a better individual for MYSELF. Finding happiness in others was always my goal, the motive - but now I see that to be truly happy, one must be able to be happy themselves - FIRST, with yourself, your life, goals…etc.
That is my goal, a new - fresh - take on life - a renewal, a rebirth - of someone I once was - a happier, more attractive and certainly more approachable - ME. To rid myself of THAT girl tendencies. To be able to love myself again from within and be loved in return.
THAT girl is the one that somehow manages to ruin things w/o trying by being completely overwhelmed with life, problems, insecurities and what have you.
It took a bit to admit to myself - maybe it IS me. Trust me, I am a gem - as sweet as they come - naturally. But when life bit me in the ass, much changed…not within but outside I was cold - and now that I see that, I will work on fixing the issues that didn’t all need to come about as they did nor end like they have - but we can only grow from here and hope things work out for the best in the end as everyone learns, grows and develops to situate themselves and their lives.
I like to admit I am crazy - most of the time, because it’s true. We are all crazy in our own way - sure - but don’t let things get out of hand, ruin friendships, relationships or work.
THAT girl is obviously hurting inside and makes it known. Whether it be verbally, stating it every chance she gets - physically, the way she can never hold herself together or how she dresses, etc - emotionally - mentally, etc etc. You get the picture, THAT girl - we all know THAT girl…or know of THAT girl - or shoot, you may even know plenty of THOSE girls - the fact of the matter is, THAT girl is one you don’t want to be around, because it’s exhausting, she overwhelms you and it kills you - because you think, you even KNOW that deep down that is not who this girl really is. Get yourself together! Breathe, relieve yourself of any anxiety - work on yourself, your troubles etc before you drive everyone you love away and will remain THIS girl forever. At the end of the day it’s all the same - it gets old - and quick - love or not…
Nobody likes THAT girl.
…and so, let me just say what I’ve been telling myself all night…
Don’t be THAT Girl.