It feels crazy writing, not only in the new year - but in a new and improved book as well. There will be hidden truths amongst these lines and one day someone will get their hands on this and uncover them all - page by page - but until then, let me freely grace these pages with my deepest thoughts on life, love, and the limelight.
Today is January 1st 2012. The start of a new year and for many a new beginning as they aim for self-improvement.
New Year’s Day.
I’m spending mine on a greyhound bus honestly - I know, not too glamorous, but just how I wished to spend it after last night’s occurrences, aches & long shifts with my fellow insomniac angels.
Let’s see: I made a great new friend, bonded and interacted with new, interesting people, gained further knowledge on the concept of partying, was schooled (for lack of better words) on the love that is Techno; Experienced, yet again, another stellar night full of memories, laughs, first kisses, being free, countdowns & stories - Extreme emotions teeter-tottering come a change of a minute, waited on a Prince, then joined him and fellow royalty peers without even knowing. Made money - shared thoughts, exchanged numbers and most importantly… came out ALIVE!
My bringing in of the new year was certainly well spent and I am grateful - all I can say is that I love life. Everything it brings & everything it teaches. People are (always) just looking for an escape - Whether it be drugs, relationships, movies, music, sports, games or the obvious - Vacation. I became more aware of that very fact last night & come dawn. People, we, want and long for understanding - crave connection through disconnection - of purpose, of oneself, of others and more than anything of others of us. We search and dream of a genuine connection. Which is not impossible have most people found the common truth within themselves - Be understanding, then you too may be understood. It’s easier said than done of course, and surely will take practice as it is something one must steadily put to use to truly grasp and have become second-nature.
To think we were all born nonjudgmental and pure. Go back to that very piece of mind - dig deep to that mindset. There, and only there, will you find Love. Love within yourself for improvement, bettering yourself in order to benefit others. The more you search - the more you will find that less judgment brings forth more love & respect.
In the past couple weeks or so, I’ve been really keen on attempting to follow my own advice - as I’d hate to be hypocritical & not practice what I preach - and have found this to be true: People love the idea of love, yet fear the power of hate. Through pain - of heart & of sound mind - love is lost; the desire and want is then in fact grounded and guarded - heavily, whether it be with or through mannerisms, character or approach. Hurt people, hurt people - yet love, loves all love. Then you can bring about that even hate, hates all hate (naturally, as it is not something that is brought about with joy, yet something in which is created but can not or most do not know how to stop), and only those whom are in pain or despair hurt others, as those with peace can only bring about that in which they possess.
A gun is not aimed by the weapon itself, and the trigger may only be pulled by man himself alone. Don’t blame the world, this past (previous) year, nor others’ (doings) around you for what you are going through - because you, and you alone, are the defendant in your own case and have failed to admit guilt. Take reign, claim responsibility and stand by your actions. Everything and everyone in your life right now you have attracted, and if incorrect - you have let remain there at the very least.
Rid yourself of all evil - thoughts, actions, people - anything and everything in which you yourself have created or allowed. Rid yourself of all things negative and the positive will come. In Due Time. Love all, free all. Spread Love & Be Love.
A Question far more important than what it is you do…
What do you Believe?
Not in mere religious context, or solely based on what does one believe IN - but more so who do you truly believe you are, what is your purpose, what do you believe to be true, what is false? The question alone arises many more, is never-ending and yet really never begins - having no start, as it is not one in which is commonly asked.
Today, my sister asked me - amidst talk of my religious beliefs - “So what DO you believe?” I answered without really thinking - not too sure why, as I am one to sit back in silence until I have constructed the perfect response - But it got me really fond on the fact that this is an unspoken truth within oneself. We all know deep down what we personally believe. What we fake, what we agree to, what we don’t understand and even more so what it is that we grow or long to comprehend.
So here it is, the question that has been on my mind through-out the day, as well as while reading, “The Soul Traveler” - What DO you believe?
How can I further break it down… Religion, Being, life, mind, body, soul, entity, government, laws, the world, the universe, money, time, death, purpose, truths, faults, color, etc. etc. Within each of these one must hold beliefs, a stance in which right or wrong is formed and you can never claim to be undecided. For me, I believe in not believing what you are taught to believe. In my mind, I feel I somehow surpassed certain beliefs - Feel strongly that they ARE - I KNOW them to be TRUE. And then it comes to question, Where or WHEN is that fine line between Knowing and Believing passed? When it is a matter of non-textual, no proof & non-factual situations and matters, how can one ever cross over…if the higher powers, the media, the books, the Man, the government has never allowed us that option?
I BELIEVE that that is what has happened; it’s as though imagination - the creation of our own thoughts, the ability to think for ourselves and build our own thesis within our minds - has been removed from our language, dissipated from our knowledge as we’ve forgotten that within each of us - lies a unique being - we are beautiful.
I BELIEVE in the soul; that in fact we are creatures placed at first to grow, create, share & master the universe. Yet somewhere down the line we lost focus; Something or someone feared our power, stood their ground - Blinded us with their gadgets, technology - obscured our vision and had us swerve, steered into the opposite direction - One in which only a small number of us were left to create, invent and expand our minds - while the rest of the world just sits back, without thought, brainless - powerless & lost in the world with such toys.
I BELIEVE at the moment that Love exists; that it is another form of power. A power that is found at the root of one’s soul and at the head of each being - The mind, it is a beautiful thing that is not to be wasted and to a waste you should pay no mind. What most do not realize is that Love is not solely of the heart, but of one’s mind and it’s ability to understand - that of belief and knowing - that not all of us are the same but we were created equal - that one’s past does not define them as an individual nor does it foreshadow their future.
I BELIEVE that we all hold firm to such beliefs; beliefs and knowledge of one’s self. The right to think our own thoughts, hold our own ground, dictate our own monumental speeches, and shine our unique light upon our own individual futures - because that light is as bright as you allow your mind to be.
Choose your destiny, and then live by it. The beauty of it all is that changing your mind does not mean having a change of heart every time - it just means you’ve found another way around the ultimate goal - Happiness. Everything one does is done with purpose and intention - once clarity is found within your reasoning, what you find - deep inside - is YOURSELF.
I BELIEVE, because I know this of Myself - myself as I have observed others, and others as they have judged me. Life is not panned out in front of us - nor is there a guide. We do with it as we please - what we choose is upon us to decide - some, as mentioned before, chose said Life - and hopefully more and more will slowly begin to emerge themselves in thought - begin to think themselves out of their current problems & situations - create new worlds beyond previous thought of possibility.
In a universe, where we are handed all the pieces to the puzzle and we struggle & become aggravated as we try to put it all together - sometimes all one must really do is relax, calm down, sit back & THINK - because in all reality, we have all we need right at our fingertips and what we need to do is keep trying, turning the pieces until they fit and it all comes together. Never give up nor grow frustrated - because quitting and regressing are the furthest points from progress - Remember that even if one step is taken forward, if two are taken back you are still not moving forward.
Believe in the belief of oneself - in the belief that you, yourself, can get you to where you need to be - with a thought alone man becomes an artist - Let your universe become your masterpiece…
I feel like a fucking walking cliche and want to repeatedly scream, “THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!” My birthday is 10 days away, I will be 23 then and with the last few days remaining of one of my most up & down years to date - I can only hope I get all I need to get done out of the way before then. I want a fresh start, a clean slate - a new beginning - most people wait for New Year’s for Resolutions, but I have always figured MY NEW YEAR comes as a new year of life, from date of birth, begins (for me personally) as a resolution should be for oneself and not for the world, society nor what others claim to be correct & needed.
I haven’t rested much these past few days - or really much at all this past month or so but I do hope - scratch that - I WILL BE changing that as I eliminate things from the list to do prior to saying goodbye to twenty-two.
My eyes have seen much, my feet have walked plenty, my mind has gained, my soul has found… my life changed - all thanks to the trials of this past year, even more so due to the experiences relevantly pertaining to rock bottom. It’s as though I’ve lived and died time & time again, started anew only to demolish such life and rebuild it all, try, fail - die and be reborn to make way for new beginnings - shed old skin as a snake and break free as a caterpillar whose struggle’s gift is to become nothing less than a beautiful butterfly. As those whom previously surrounded me failed to hold, I’ve learned and gained so much and can only be grateful - experience truly is the greatest teacher. I’ve lived many years to this date - many more within this single one than in all my life combined.
"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s in the life in your years." - Abe Lincoln
In Front of me, this lavender comforter with polka dots…
I realize there’s this mental space I need to focus - as to say, “Clutter diminishes Concentration.” There is no way I am able to think like this - so freely & easily - with clutter or congestion. I need open air and blank [S P A C E] - even writing it as so made my brain cream & ooze with pleasurable brilliance.
"Make Believe" in literal form would mean to create or construct belief, factual reason - to allow - to accept as true - "Create an acceptance of truth and reality" an "opinion of truth"
Honest to God, although my beliefs have changed immensely in the past year or so, I am currently at a halt. Not so much a writer’s block per-say, because as you can see I am clearly still writing - But it is as if I can no longer focus - my mind is really elsewhere - VAPED - perhaps it is.
I don’t really understand how it works - I just know it does - effortlessly. Like a common daily dose of oxygen - a breath of fresh air - second nature & without force nor thought…
That’s what dreaming and writing are to me - an extension to my soul from my physical self. I constantly dream - within true aspiration, in the finest detail of color, sound, scent, flavor & feeling. Everything about my dreams is real; so real - surreal; More real than life itself - I ache to sleep through out the hours of the day - just to be able, again, if only for a quick second - to grasp comprehension of the world we visit in our rest. It’s the one vacation destination we all visit to take a load off our feet and just create, paint - another world, complete masterpieces, for ourselves after our days have gone & exhausted us, to the point we are drained and incapable of power any further & our only resort is to refuel with dreams in sleep.
And that’s all it is - Dreams are the Fuel to our Lives & Minds - I am more awake & alive in sleep and dream than in life itself.
After every dream you awake - which should show you that in life, the same should read true - Do You Have a Dream? Don’t just sit there; wake up - & do something about it! In life, you will get nowhere playing dead, except perhaps the dump.
Act on your dreams because they are all within reach - just a thought away - anything you put your mind to, to create within your universe, is possible because everything created at one point didn’t exist - a mind is a beautiful treasure chest, where all your thoughts, hopes and dreams are held - all you have to do is open your mind and bring them to life - life beyond a dream state - release that fear, child - don’t be scared of what could be - make it be. Share your thoughts, your dreams - share them all - you’re crazy, and I’m talking to myself of course as well as I say this.
Dreams are your fuel - the motivation to push you along the way and get you to that finish line. You are the machine, your heart the engine & your mind the fuel tank - fill it up.
Read, Learn & gain knowledge - Become wise; Fill it with grandiose thoughts & dreams - aspirations galore.
Act your Shoe size, be fearless and without doubt as a child would - No second guessing, no holding back or worries at all - Because that’s what it is to dream - It’s to be able to jump and know you’re going to fly.
We lose that as we grow - and it shouldn’t be as so, but with all in our day-to day, life, work, school, family, etc - We forget to dream, it has been removed from our language. Life can be lived with no ties, holds, barriers, limits or containment - because you mustn’t trap the mind. Let go of your worries; Relieve yourself of any fears; Everything is going to be alright if you just trust that it is. Sending negative thoughts or energy only goes shooting through the atmosphere creating bad vibes & frequencies - You are your own artist - what you create is put on display for all to take in and act upon. Create positivity, send out good vibes and the same will be given in return.
I need to sleep more - again - I need to dream - I miss living - that life seems so distant, when awake in this world and then the two begin to merge and I start to mistake one for the other - Reality and Dream - Hoping this time as I am writing it’s in a physical book I can later find and open to recall such memories of past thoughts - falling - fallen - in fear it will be lost as a sock in the wash - As I transition from one world to the next - like night & day, light switch; on - off;
The key to life is being able to not blow the fuse.
Sometimes a negative aura can cause a domino effect; a bad vibe.
A call as you’re just waking up, from that one person you hoped to never hear from again - can ruin your energy, your day and have you feeling…well, not yourself. True, however it is only possible if you allow it to be - It goes to show that in order to keep a pure mind & positive soul, you must rid yourself of such toxicity - Because, the same is true in reverse.
A “Good Morning” wake up text from that special someone, that call - that as soon as your phone even begins to ring, you’re already grinning ear-to-ear, and those late night Skypes where all of your troubles seem to disappear - everything is just so much better when They’re around, YOU’RE so much better - and in all honesty, nothing else matters…
Because, “every time I close my yes, seems like everyone left - but You & Me.”
Still writing and thinking, kind of high mentality…
What is it about life that makes us so alive or dead - makes us sit down & ponder, then get up and wild out - no care or thought in the world? You’re either hot or cold, one extreme or the other - never satisfied.
Well, what is it?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, on life and what it means. How does one come to see or come to a realization of their purpose in something or someplace we have no understanding of, no idea about how we came to be nor why - where there are no facts and we base our entire being upon belief & stories - Stories of Dreams the ones before us once had.
How can one sit & dream and create such a visualization of fantasy and then build their reality upon it?
Life, it’s mind blowing really - to see how humans, animals & all organisms alike all play the same role & live with the same purpose - CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER.
You & no one else creates who you are, help is just a lending hand you chose to acknowledge - a door is always opening, a helping hand is always being lent - You just have to open your eyes. That’s the thing about Humans though - they are, for the most part, incapable of dreaming with their eyes open, while awake and in a conscious state - as though afraid & fearing their ability - their POWER to create such a reality within Reality.
Why do we dream so freely in a resting state - then awake in such hold and restrain? I figure - I want & will learn, to teach myself how to dream constantly - to have my life truly be unbelievable - Super Heroes, Villains and all… I mean, isn’t that what life is anyways? Think about your life and all you’ve been through, seen and accomplished - if that doesn’t boggle your mind, you’re not living.
I DREAM TO DREAM.
The word dream itself refers to want, longing for - it is a vision, something you wish to obtain in the present if not in the near future or even something you once held near & dear in the past - it is a thought that you, yourself, conceive to obtain - good or bad. So, how does one not long for longing for and obtaining?
"I’m living my dream, as if I never awoke."
I want to be quoted on that - YEARS & YEARS down the line - When physical books no longer exist and we all read through screens & lasers upon our palms, the future is here - we are so close I swear I can see it. For that very reason alone I fear to really express certain thoughts through media platforms and tend to digress over time - to make something public in this day & technological age is to lose credit along the way - to lose touch with origin - to lose base and to forget or even discredit the true mind behind the very thought you are now thinking. These days you can come up with the utmost Real, philosophical statement from thought, within Your mind alone - let it go & release it into the universe & have it come back to you in a book…not written by you.
I firmly believe the saying which states that the wise are those whom know when to keep silent and keep to self - But then again, what good would that do and where would we be today had the wise before us - such as Einstein and Socrates - not shared their knowledge & perception of the world?
It’s all about balance and inner peace.
Find yourself, then share that wisdom with the world.
Close your eyes, dream of life - Open your eyes, live the dream.